Saturday I was fortunate enough to be a student on my mat. I headed north and visited a studio I spent many hours deepening my connection to the many dimmensions of teaching yoga. It took so much for me to organize my life to be away for such a short bit of time, but I was so very motivated to return to a place, a community that helped me stand more confidently in my own light as a person, a student and as a teacher. The teacher, she is a true embodiment of yoga, authentic in her offering, grounded in her understanding and playful yet serious in her sharing. The community as a whole has gone through a radical shift and because of that, there was so much more beauty and so much more permision to simply be myself. Her offerings validated so much of what I have been quietly investigating on my own, using yoga to recover from a cesarean and transition into this life phase of independent yoga teaching female, to highly dependent, dedicated yoga mamma. My training to support strong and optimal mental health as well as re-discovering the transformational power of the breath. I felt strong yet weak, excited but reserved, incredibly grateful for the moment and ready for the moment to pass. Yes, my love affair with yoga was over. What…? Love affair with yoga….?
Please, yoga is in woven deeply into every cell of my being, it is who I am, how I function, how I survive the hardships of life, and recognize the sacred beauty in all things. This aspect has not ended. What's over is the searching to be the best yoga teacher possible based on other people's teachings. The grasping onto every last word so that I can improve my own offering. The plotting for my next yoga journey, training and exploration of more yoga. (Okay, not really considering I am in graduate school for Mental Health Counseling as well as training to be a Transformational Life Coach). But the love affair with my yoga mat, it's over. I'm more interested in teaching from my heart, from my experience, from my organic connection to the teachings that is expanding from years of dedicated study. Yes, yoga tells us we always need a teacher, we need eyes that help us refine and enhance, I get that. I am just realizing that teacher, right now, is grace for me. That teacher is the divine in every moment, even when it feels so distant and far removed. The teacher is woven into the encounter for the day, reflecting on my faults, expanding on my strengths. But what was wonderful that with the ending of this affair, I got to enjoy my practice and remain grounded, centered, connected and delight in the time exploring the body mind and spirit in a simple, yet profound, time with some amazing people, guided by a truly gifted light.
Sianna mentioned our yoga becomes our landing pad of grace. Yoga has saved my arse on numerous occassions and currently keeps me grounded and centered as I discover how to wear this new hat of motherhood. My relationship with yoga hasn't ended, just the chasing, romanticising, love affair aspect of needing more. As I explore this new relationship I am choosing to be embraced by grace, embodied in my own heart, learning from the daily manifestation of grace in my relationship with myself and those I love.