It’s a rainy afternoon. The trees are planted. The boys are all asleep with one on my lap, one sitting next to me and the other at my feet. The rhythm of my life offers more introspection and having these moments allows for me to be sharp, steady & clear when it’s time to step out into the world. I’m grateful though it sometimes feels I’m missing out on all the action of the world. Or I’ll miss the deadline with assignments from graduate school. Yet the growth that’s a result of many hours of inquiry is priceless. The supportive energy of those also on this journey (way too many to list) has been the best company. Though there have been many challenges as a mom, I’ve never been more fulfilled and satisfied in all areas of my life before. There’s adversity/challenges and there’s resilience/opportunity. I’m starting to feel resilience surfaces when you’re aligned with your own inner wisdom more than performing at a level that generates outward success. Maybe it’s because I’m into yoga, counseling and coaching all avenues that facilitate awareness, balance and harmony. Or perhaps it’s just the experience my life has provided that I’ve remained open to. But on this stormy afternoon, I’m hanging out in deep gratitude that I have slowed down and developed a stronger relationship with myself that’s allowing me to also connect more authentically with those that I care for and engage with in my life.
I find myself dancing an interesting dance….being pulled in different directions and wanting to be in more than one place at a time. I know I am not the only one. I have started this post for the past 4 months in my mind and have contemplated some pretty relevant topics and even taught on the ideas, but they never made it onto paper. Even as I type this late Tuesday evening, my eye lids are heavy and I am questioning if I really have anything significant to say. Yet, I really am wanting to put something out there, not for you, just for me, for my own sense of self, for my own connection to what it is I love to do….share the inquiry.
Where does my heart lie? I ask myself this on a daily basis, what is most important. There is the obvious answer, my son and my husband and our ability to function as a loving family. Then there is the reminder that my heart whispers, don't forget about you, the you you have spent your whole life getting to know, the you that loves to engage with people and talk the deeper aspects of life. The you that teaches yoga, practices yoga, the you that is in graduate school, the you that loves to support others on their journey to wholeness. It's a beautiful and complicated contemplation…how do I do both and still maintain my sanity? Is it possible to maintain my sanity? Is it possible to do both or do I have to choose one over the other? Will I be asking myself these questions for the rest of my life…probably.
So, I am working on cultivating a deep respect for not having the answers. Working on being present and doing what I do in the best way possible. Saying yes to me and saying yes to my son and husband, it's quite the trifecta, but I do feel it is possible. Everything takes a little longer and perhaps I am not as with it as I once was nor as productive, yet it's worth it. I am learning more about myself and amazed at how easily being a domestic woman comes to me as well as how comfortable I am in that role. I am learning that I love the practice of yoga, all 20 minutes that I am lucky to get, and I am incredibly grateful for the many years prior that I have been able to travel, train, practice and experience. I realize more every day that I am fortunate to have someone in my life that is supportive of me as I navigate this new identity. Though it feels that I am hitting pause on certain aspects of my life, other areas are in full effect. It's all very real and it's all very much a balance we all seek to find….the dance between personal, professional and family/friends. So if you don't hear from me, it is because I am trying to figure it all out….no joke.