In the process of facing a quality or aspect of my life that has been hiding out in the shadow for a little while. It’s all good cause I am here, living and breathing to deal with it, it’s just becoming apparent that I need to spend some time with this layer of my story.
As I move deeper into the identity of myself I obviously can’t do it alone (that was my intention for 2011, being able to ask for help ~ for this girl that is freakin’ hard). But in the past week I’ve also realized how many people like to help and actually want to help. So rather than be like ‘I got this one…it’s not going to be fun…but I can handle it…’ I am finally realizing the importance to include other people in the process. (deep sigh). One layer of the process is that pretending like it’s all pretty, even doing the work, the uncomfortable, challenging layer of life, I would have to say I’ve been in the place pretending like I have it all wrapped up in the little Teresa package. Throw on a smile and poof the light breaks through the crack, because the crack is what lets the light in… But I am entering into a place that I don’t think I have the strength to go alone. It’s dark, and the last time I really stepped in this corner of my heart, well, my only relationship is that it was the end…totally over…and I am realizing that on some level it was totally over, I did leave…but then I came back only to leave again.
However I am here, right now, consciously choosing to even share my life through words (because they are helping me ~ and maybe they will help someone else). But this is the big part (for me). We are always feeling guilty or that there must be something wrong with us if everything isn’t peachy keen. There must be something wrong if death is actually dark, but there is beauty in the darkness as everything is contained in the darkness. Even as I write this, the sun is nowhere to be seen, if I went for a walk outside I wouldn’t be able to see all that is in front of me. Yet there is a diverse display of divine grace in every direction. There is a level of the unknown that is powerful, wonderful, and I hope to one day say I’m not scared anymore. But for now my personal saying is, ‘Teresa, you are still sane, it just isn’t always pretty because life gets messy.’
Great post Teresa. Talk about coming out of the dark, I just realized that I have been spelling your name with an “h”. So sorry. I recently took that step from darkness to light and it was a much needed one and long overdue. But the amazing thing that I found out was that I was never alone in my darkness. When I began to share my story with others I found out that there are lots of people like me. And those people were always there to help me but I had to ask for help. I am so glad that I did. We all have our problems and our dark little secrets although some of them don’t seem that little to us. I find that when I step away from something, even something that seemed bigger than life, it becomes smaller and eventually I see how small that thing is in relation to what really matters in life. Thanks.