Who am I kidding?

Written by Teresa Phelps Martin

On December 3, 2014

I find myself dancing an interesting dance….being pulled in different directions and wanting to be in more than one place at a time. I know I am not the only one. I have started this post for the past 4 months in my mind and have contemplated some pretty relevant topics and even taught on the ideas, but they never made it onto paper. Even as I type this late Tuesday evening, my eye lids are heavy and I am questioning if I really have anything significant to say. Yet, I really am wanting to put something out there, not for you, just for me, for my own sense of self, for my own connection to what it is I love to do….share the inquiry.

Where does my heart lie? I ask myself this on a daily basis, what is most important. There is the obvious answer, my son and my husband and our ability to function as a loving family. Then there is the reminder that my heart whispers, don't forget about you, the you you have spent your whole life getting to know, the you that loves to engage with people and talk the deeper aspects of life. The you that teaches yoga, practices yoga, the you that is in graduate school, the you that loves to support others on their journey to wholeness. It's a beautiful and complicated contemplation…how do I do both and still maintain my sanity? Is it possible to maintain my sanity? Is it possible to do both or do I have to choose one over the other? Will I be asking myself these questions for the rest of my life…probably.

So, I am working on cultivating a deep respect for not having the answers. Working on being present and doing what I do in the best way possible. Saying yes to me and saying yes to my son and husband, it's quite the trifecta, but I do feel it is possible. Everything takes a little longer and perhaps I am not as with it as I once was nor as productive, yet it's worth it. I am learning more about myself and amazed at how easily being a domestic woman comes to me as well as how comfortable I am in that role. I am learning that I love the practice of yoga, all 20 minutes that I am lucky to get, and I am incredibly grateful for the many years prior that I have been able to travel, train, practice and experience. I realize more every day that I am fortunate to have someone in my life that is supportive of me as I navigate this new identity. Though it feels that I am hitting pause on certain aspects of my life, other areas are in full effect. It's all very real and it's all very much a balance we all seek to find….the dance between personal, professional and family/friends. So if you don't hear from me, it is because I am trying to figure it all out….no joke.

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